I am an introvert and I excel at being alone

I have started with this element of myself because I feel it defines who I am and the choices I have made over the years. In all honesty I have never really delved into this side of myself until now so this realisation is fairly new to me and quite a revelation.

During the past eight years since retiring I have been more aware of how I live my life and the reasons behind it. I realise, even with the issues I have in regard to rejection and the feeling of being unworthy which come to haunt me now and again, I actually enjoy living alone with my dogs and cats. I have family and friends and really enjoy time spent with them. I love the fact that my friends are like minded, not necessarily introverts but they accept me for who I am and we have hopes and dreams that are very similar. I love the fact that my friends are not, for want of a better term, ‘in my face’ all the time.

Thinking back on things I remember in my childhood that being an introvert caused so many problems for myself and those around me even though I lacked the understanding of why. I remember not enjoying the things other children seemed to enjoy, I was unable to cope with lots of people in social settings and would be unable to join in conversations. I hated being the centre of attention and tried to avoid it constantly. I loved hiding away with my books or being alone with my thoughts. On reflection this was probably quite difficult for the adults in my life to understand.

I grew up convinced there was something wrong with me as I could not fit in socially in so many scenarios and was often alone, even in a crowd. I just didn’t seem to be able to fit in with the world around me. Strangely enough I was not unhappy about it and enjoyed having time on my own. I was so often quiet as I could not find the energy for words and would retreat into myself and just listen to the noise going on around me in my own little world.

Sadly the introvert in me has brought about many misunderstandings socially as even as a young woman in her late teens and early twenties there was nothing I loved more than going down to the market to do my shopping on a Saturday morning, taking a walk in the park or along the shops, window shopping, alone, people watching from one of the little cafe’s or coming home after work and reading. I just considered myself a bit of a loner, my mother had already labelled me as moody - a problem when growing up in a house full of extroverts - because she did not understand me at all or even want to.

During my school life I had friends but seldom more than one at a time, weirdly enough I was usually drawn to others with the same idiosyncrasies as myself.

Later when life began to open up for teenagers in the 60’s I was introduced to the disco. I loved going disco dancing - I could be alone dancing within a crowd and that was acceptable. Dancing has always been something I loved to do - even as I got older - once again because I could be alone but not alone which made me ‘socially acceptable’. Crazy really but music with the disco rhythm, beat and tempo stirred my soul into movement and I was lost within the sounds. Probably quite unusual for an introvert to go to the discos considering the amount of people coming together in them but for me it was a way to be accepted and yet be able to hide within the crowds and enjoy the dancing and music without any hassle. I often went alone and came home alone and loved every minute of my time dancing.

Later in life I was always finding excuses not to attend functions at work whether it was as a secretary, bank worker or teacher the consequences were always the same. My colleagues found me to be unsociable as I always found an excuse as to why I could not attend social functions or outings. I do remember a lovely comment from my Teaching Assistant as I had just finished speaking to one of my colleagues and had obviously not pleased her with my reaction to whatever she wanted. My Teaching Assistant turned to me and said ‘They just don’t get you do they?’ She too, I feel, is an introvert, although she has never said anything but she understood me and that comment just said it all because that is exactly it, if you do not behave as ‘socially acceptable’ you are unsociable in the eyes of those who are not introverts or do not understand the concept of an introvert.

As an introvert I am not shy, withdrawn or moody. I am intelligent, perceptive, compassionate and empathic. I have on many occasions used these skills to appear to be enjoying social interactions because circumstances call for it but have always found it totally exhausting and can only sigh with relief when it comes to an end and I can go home and ‘recharge my batteries’.

I taught young children in my teaching career and loved every minute of it. Young children accept you for who you are, they are open and honest. Teaching these children was very similar to my dancing, it was a passion, something I really enjoyed. There was no need for the social interactions necessary with adults when working with young children, no making small talk or talking to people you had nothing in common with.

I love nature, growing things, being with and caring for my cats and dogs. I feel such a sense of satisfaction when a new shoot shows itself after I have planted seeds and love watching them grow no matter whether tree, vegetable or flower, that sense of a miracle always gets me as something so tiny as a seed becomes a truly wonderful plant.

The introvert in me cannot wait until I start my Greatest Adventure when endless possibilities of being at one with nature become a reality.